Surprise....

I've actually found a guy who would rather think about physics than to find someone to date and to love, to give and sacrifice for.........well I guess its different for guys. As for me, I have ALWAYS been thinking of finding that certain guy who would make my pulse quicken, my heart flutter, my throat dry, my mind woozy, my mind full of him and wishing with every fibre of my body that I can see him again...and Praying and wishing that he feels the same way towards me too. But alas, men and women are programmed differently........
I've decided somehow to not to give my heart away so easily anymore. I've frozen my heart. I can't feel anymore. I've stopped myself from loving someone ever again. But how i miss that feeling. A feeling of bliss whenever I'm with him. Peace and happiness as we quarrelled over something stupid and how he understands me without me saying anything. I miss you. my dear polar bear. I miss you so much. I can't believe that I still harbour feelings for you after half a decade has passed by. I still like you and I miss being with you. IN all the ways that you make me irk, there are just as many that makes me smile and feel all fuzzy and warm inside. I wonder if anyone would ever love me the way i loved you. If only you had more guts and didn't care that much about appearances and were a bit more useful and more independent and responsible and caring, then ...only then would we make a perfect couple.

I can't stop the flow of tears down my face,
Thinking back in time when we were still young and innocent,
I've never thought that I would feel this way towards you,
How the shadow of your back gave me comfort and support,
How happy I feel when I was with you,
How painful it was being with you and not able to say what was in my heart,
All the times we were together,
We've always had this bubble around us that no one else could penetrate,
I felt special to you, and you to me, in a way I thought that you liked me,
After all you were the one who told me so at first,
You completely caught me off guard,
I know its stupid to still think of these times,
But it was these times that I felt I was alive,
You made me feel alive, polar bear,
I miss you, I love you and I hate you too for making me feel this way.
But alas, I've prepared myself for the moment,
the moment when you said that everything was just a prank.
How can I forget you. How can I forgive myself..when I knew that you've been playing with my heart all along and I've already forgiven you.

Core of my heart.........

Dearest Yamapi,

The core of my heart.........feels like a dark, deep, gloomy enchanted forest......with roots and trees so twisted and entangled with rage, frustration, desolate and sullenness. I hate this......this........all this frustration in my heart, its clouding up my mind, tugging at my heart and
making me into a living, breathing monster..or rather ....a devoid dark space that only contained all the negative feelings that one could possess. I hate this....I hate this so much..I want to break out of it. I need someone or something to shed a shred of light into this dense forest of a heart of mine.....I don't want it to continue and soak in all the heavy negative mist that is hanging over the air.....its suffocating and ugly. With all the series of unfortunate events happening to me......I just can't stand it anymore...I HATE all THOSE WHO STAND IN MY WAY AND make ME FEEL THIS WAY.......FREaking CuRSE ALL these idiots that make my life so hard. FUck them all.....freaking idiots. Whats the meaning of all this....it doesnt let me gain anything out of this. I mean its not like some japanese series that a newbie is bullied by the superior, gets all this shit thrown at her, she tries all her might to overcome them, in the process wins the heart of some super cute guy and overcomes all obstacles and then in the end became the best in the company or field that she's in. Its different...ALL these freaking things that happen to me are random...they ave no basis. First it was the freaking internet problem, then i lost my pencil case, then now its the freaking premium bank account that had me clawing my hair off.Freaking idiots.......even sayong FUCK YOU x 10^6 is not enough....It doesnt even compensate me for all my efforts all the freaking money i've spent on getting them done and EUURRRGGGHHHHH i HATE this......I Need to scream at shout at something...AT THE SEA ...AT THE SKY>>> I NEED TO SCREAM MY LUNGS OUT...IM SO FRUSTRATED BY THIS ALREADY.....................

Music...

Dearest Yamapi,

They say one can only feel the emotions in a song when one is suffering....thats very true. As I sat in front of my computer on my birthday morning from 5.30 am onwards waiting for my family to call......i feel the loneliness and the sadness. A feeling i've havent felt and for once I can feel the music again. Was I really suffering that much back then? Coz I use to feel the music strongly. Only nowadays....once I've moved to Canada that I've lost the feel for the music...and only indulged in club music that didnt really hold any meaning or feeling esp to (get a girl) for guys or to get down..or something.....everything is just about getting laid.....haizzz oh well.My frens wanted to celebrate my bday yesterday night but i was too tired to open the door for them. I kinda feel bad about that. But hey, I've been steaming kuih lapis for 6 hours the whole day and then went to the Welcome party that MASSA held. There were a surprisingly good turn-up of ppl. and A LOT more guys than girls!! lol its the first time i saw that lol! Hahahaha! well thats a good thing? I guess. lol IM REALLY HAPPY that my sister sent me this HAPPY BIRTHDAY Song by NeWs. =D oh well time to study ..have a freaking quiz tomoro on the physics of physiology. I think im getting sick....:( better hold on.... Coz its getting SO FREAKING COLD >.>!!!

Start of a new term.....HOORAY and .....T.T

Hello there! Yamapi!

My sister asked me once...what if Yamapi saw this blog of yours...what would he think? Most probably some crazy over-obssesed fan-girl who writes all her love letters on a blog..C.R.E.E.P.Y. But hey, I'm not THAT creepy hahahahaha...no seriously. ok so going back to my old boring school life...hhhmmmm well its not THAT boring. It just lack the flavor of spice and suspense that most novels offer. I mean hey come on...who would have a life that is THAT interesting? Well certainly not all of us. I'm still waiting for my life to begin! =D But most probably olredi is...sad isnt it? I've always wanted to go on an adventure or something but life just doesnt work out that way....WE have to work from dawn to dusk, from young to old. Wasting away our youth and grow old and leathery and iiiiieeeeewwwww. Dont even want to picture it...I wanna be in a world like Fairy Tail or Bleach or Pokemon (ok admit it all used-to-be pokemon fans...didnt'/don't you?) Well I have to confess that I was hooked on to Pokemon recently and I was watching Episode 1 of SEason 1 when Ash got Pikachu!! I was almost crying....T.T NOW THATS what im talking about!!! QUALITY ...now the pokemon white series...SUCKS BALLS. Tho the game is quite fun....(yes i play the game, but i stopped when school began) I LOVE MY SAMUROTT!! I think its SO handsome!! I would like to be reborn as a female samurott if thats possible!! WAIT FOR ME my handsome future-hubby!!!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! ahem ahem....ok back to reality..........

I like my Anatomy prof!! He is a funny guy and that makes the classes SUPER interesting. Yesterday we had our first lab. It was situated in the Strathcona Dentistry building (I apologize to all readers who arent in McGill since you wouldnt have a clue where this is) Well to paint a picture of the building for you...it looks like those old medieval castle corridoors. There are busts of famous doctors/dentists who have done deed in their glory days. THe lecture rooms have deep red, soft plushy chairs. THe walls are constructed with deep mahogony and the lights have a yellowish tinge. Nice place for a suspense movie!! wohhooo!
oh right back to the lab...when we first entered....we were all SHOCKED!! Coz in front of us stood rows of dead bodies...yes..dead bodies covered in green cloth...THEY ARE CADABRAzz~!!!! for medicine students to operate on!!! OMFG....at that moment i felt a rush of adrenaline!! YES thats what I want to do!! BE MEDICAL STUDENTS wohhooo! My hands ae icthing to pull of the overs but then again when I saw their feet..I feel a wave a nausea hit me. too soon ...Grace ...keep yourself together. But to most of our dismay, we wont be touching those bodies...oh drats.
And in other news....I LOVE my PHGY 314 prof!! She's so proper and has a easy to listen to voice. And everytime when she is trying to explain something difficult she would offer this apologic smile that lights up her whole face ...hahaha i like her.
I dont really like my BIOC prof tho.......she was being bitchy to me today...i was shocked..i was asking a question about muscles and AMPK then she said did you get my slides, I thought she asked if I understood her slides so i said No rather quickly and she said well, if you got them then you would understand coz there are diagrams in there...see?(smile) Then I was thinking WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE THEN? FOR YOU TO TELL ME IF I GOT UR SLIDES? OBVIOUSLY ITS BECOZ I DIDNT UNDERSTAND WHATS ON HER SLIDES.......OMFG .but oh well profs are ppl too and not ALL of them are nice like me. lol jk jk

PS: AND I AM SO FUCKING HAPPY THAT I GET TO GO BACK TO BRUNEI THIS CHRISTMAS!! HAHAHAHHAHAHA