I finally cried.....

I don't know what happened to me.

Crying used to be second nature to me. But now, I can't even cry when I feel hurt. (I need to listen to "Set Fire To the Rain by Adele to actually tap into how I am feeling deep inside --- betrayed, hurt and ego shattered)

Being sexually used by a man to please himself was not a good experience at all.
It finally dawned on me what the reality of the situation is.

I was used by him.

Just like a toy.

To fulfill his pleasure but not mine.

Why did I ever allow myself to be subjected to something like this, I could not explain fully.
But what I do know is that my innocent perception of how great and beautiful love can be has clouded my judgement and blinded by senses to how dangerous the pursuit of love can be.

The danger I've put myself in by being innocent, gullible and unsupervised in the pursuit of love. In the pursuit of something so noble, so beautiful and can be one of the most powerful weapon one can ever have. The love one possess for another human being. A love that I am ready to offer.

Too ready to offer that I fall victim to people out there who do not cherish or value the beauty of love.
But instead stain it with lust, alcohol, drugs and trickery to get by and label it as 'love'. I will not condemn to such behaviours anymore. I shall cry to my heart's fill today and wipe my tears away and paste a smile on to face the day.

I will not let people see this stupid, flawed love-starved heart of mine. I guess I was still trying to proof a point, in that I am desired by men. Of course I am. But the question now is if I want to be or not. And the answer is no. I do not want to have anything to do with them anymore.
I will not let men who mistreat love to mistreat me. I will only give my heart to someone who would move mountains for me. I will move my heart from my sleeve back into my chest. It may be a painful procedure and may take time but it will be for the best.

I think the emotional hurt I've experienced a few years back has frozen by heart on my sleeve as I was still constantly offering it to people who might be able to thaw it. Now, I know my heart is alive and beating again and I shall move it safely back to where it belongs and where it will be safe from harm.