Dearest Yamapi,

I found myself being so angry nowadays.
Its a constant emotion. Just like a haze over mountains in the wee hours of the morning. Lingering over me like a cloud and hindering my view of what's important and preventing me from doing anything without cursing and hating everyone and anyone I come in to contact with. I remember some years ago I read a quiz about assessing if someone is normal or totally nuts/dangerous crazy. There was a Question that goes:
Q4: Have you ever fantasized about killing somebody you know?

At that time I thought to myself....Are you kidding me? How can anyone have such a thought? That person must be a total nut case to even think of such a thing. However, as I grow older I find out that actually, any normal, average adult would have been able to answer untruthfully, a resounding "No" to that question. Because as much as a saint one may be there must be times when u wish you can possess a machine gun at one point and just fucking shoot down the idiots who are hurting you or are just plain annoying. (Im pretty sure mother teresa would have wanted to fucking slaughter all the fucking bastards who hurt people around the world but had a reputation to keep, so she just put on a facade of forgiving people, just my theory, o harm intended).

I found myself fantasizing my roommate ingesting the raw egg stain that i didn't successfully remove from my bowl this morning while in the rush to go to class.....accidentally of course. Then, hopefully she might contract Salmonella and have a great deal of pain and suffering. HAhahahahahaha........you see where I am heading here? Either second degree murder or the loony bin. Indeed, knowledge is power. But it is a double-edge sword because the more one knows, the more leverage one has over the things one can use to "accidentally" kill someone or do something to someone or manipulate a person to do one's bidding like the fucking politicians who are brain-washing people into voting for them. Why the fuck should I vote for you? Why not HAVE ME be the PREsident? Or the biochemist or doctors who prescribe wrong medicine to people and kill them. Of course professionals can't do that because they can be sued. Oh well.    There are times when killing that SOB will be worth it.

But sorry VAnessa, YOU are not WORTH it. You can go FUCK yourself for accusing ME of stealing your sunglasses and for breaking my plate and breaking our friendship and fucking cursing at me for no reason and letting your boyfriend stay here like he owns the place. FUCK you man. I wish I have NEVER agreed to stay with you. YOU Tricked and Manipulated me into staying with you. You said we could live together and the rent would be cheaper. And we can study together since we are in the same major and that your boyfriend might 'drop by sometimes' FUCK YOU. "Drop by " by definition means a SHORT visit not OVERNIGHT STAYS for  WEEKs AND MORE. FUCK YOU!!! FUCK YOU for making me into this ugly, unhappy, single, lonely person. I don't want to be this person. I want to break free.

 I don't know what made me this way. Is it because I'm too tired of studying? Of the exams? Or the crazy busy schedule I am on now? Of the fact that I feel like my dad is forcing me to go into med school? Of the sacrifices I've made all these years to find that I am not good enough to be a doctor? I am in the end, angry at myself. Angry at the fact that I can't change my GPA. No matter how hard I've studied. How hard I've tried. To the best of my capability. I've given my all and yet it is not enough. And my parents can't see that. They think I am super woman. They think I am doing just fine at McGill and every time I call back. I see their faces. Saying that I should be doing good at school given the sacrifices ThEY made For me to be here. I feel a heavy burden upon my shoulders. I can't do this. I want to. I've convinced myself countless times that I can do this. But in the end, I am not smart enough for Med school. I am not competitive enough. One may say that I don't WANT this BAD enough to FIGHT for it. But if fighting for it mean GROVELLing in front of Professors to get a letter of reference. Or FAKING a HAPPY and CHEERY persona around people who have resources and can help you in your career is not Something I WANT to do. Neglecting one's duties just to fulfill SOME other personal goals that are more important at the expense of other people working over time....Amy....YOU OWE it to MASSA and YOU OWE it to me and the FUCKING D I've GOT for my PHGY. I hope you get what you DESERVE because you made other people work overtime in your place. Time that I should have better spent on pursuing MY OWN goals. FUCK you. I FUCKING HATE your scheming GUTs. I fucking hate everything now. I fucking hate my roommate and her FUCKING rude, retard boyfriend. I fucking hate having to study for an exam next week.

HOwever, I have to say that there are parts that are good tho.......like the summery weather, the pretty colourful clothes i can wear. THe walks and runs I can make at Avenue du Parc, the cute, green-eyed driving instructor, MY funny professor and ......
Siaw wei who I loved and is now my BFF. He texted back immediately when I texted him at 4 am in the morning. And he has an exam in 4 hours but chatted with me becoz I was feeling lonely and need someone to talk to. He's the perfect person to talk to. I just wished that we could be more than friends. Wished that I would be more his type and he would be more independent and manly. I miss you. You have no idea how much. I wish that someone would love me the way I did you. But I guess maybe not. Life's not a fairy tale. People treat you like shit if you are no one. And only start treating  you like gold if you are someone. I don't believe in prince charming anymore. I don't believe that there's a man out there for every girl. And sadly but surely, I don't believe in true love anymore. For someone like me, its not possible. I have all of mine to give, just no one would love me the way I would them. I would have given everything for you, but you didn't want it. I'm just that kind of girl. I fall too easily and too hard. Social psychologists say that men have more broken hearts than women. SOrry, hon, but you haven't seen my heart yet. Life's not perfect and GOD just have to make a bitch out of it.

I have to hold on to my sanity.