I finally cried.....

I don't know what happened to me.

Crying used to be second nature to me. But now, I can't even cry when I feel hurt. (I need to listen to "Set Fire To the Rain by Adele to actually tap into how I am feeling deep inside --- betrayed, hurt and ego shattered)

Being sexually used by a man to please himself was not a good experience at all.
It finally dawned on me what the reality of the situation is.

I was used by him.

Just like a toy.

To fulfill his pleasure but not mine.

Why did I ever allow myself to be subjected to something like this, I could not explain fully.
But what I do know is that my innocent perception of how great and beautiful love can be has clouded my judgement and blinded by senses to how dangerous the pursuit of love can be.

The danger I've put myself in by being innocent, gullible and unsupervised in the pursuit of love. In the pursuit of something so noble, so beautiful and can be one of the most powerful weapon one can ever have. The love one possess for another human being. A love that I am ready to offer.

Too ready to offer that I fall victim to people out there who do not cherish or value the beauty of love.
But instead stain it with lust, alcohol, drugs and trickery to get by and label it as 'love'. I will not condemn to such behaviours anymore. I shall cry to my heart's fill today and wipe my tears away and paste a smile on to face the day.

I will not let people see this stupid, flawed love-starved heart of mine. I guess I was still trying to proof a point, in that I am desired by men. Of course I am. But the question now is if I want to be or not. And the answer is no. I do not want to have anything to do with them anymore.
I will not let men who mistreat love to mistreat me. I will only give my heart to someone who would move mountains for me. I will move my heart from my sleeve back into my chest. It may be a painful procedure and may take time but it will be for the best.

I think the emotional hurt I've experienced a few years back has frozen by heart on my sleeve as I was still constantly offering it to people who might be able to thaw it. Now, I know my heart is alive and beating again and I shall move it safely back to where it belongs and where it will be safe from harm.

Shattered expectations

Dearest Yamapi,


I still stand on my ever-lasting wish of having someone to hold and cherish, to love and to cuddle with on rainy or lazy evenings after work.

But I have never in my life done something as stupid as I did a few hours ago.

I almost lost my v-card. And it was to a guy who I barely know. The ordeal was so far from the fantasized scenes I've played countless times over my head that I am now solemnly swearing that I will not look at another guy with the intention of sleeping him any time soon.

I would just be friends with them and hang out or flirt but never get too close or on a date unless I really, really like the person. But even so I am still haunted by the memory of what happened earlier that I wish a vampire could glamour me now and take that memory away from me.

The disturbingly clear memory of me being too conscious in the process and the things that my acute senses picked up and had ingrained in my memory....... It was not a good memory but it wasn't a horrible memory. I could have been date raped but I wasn't so I am thankful for that. Thankful that God loves me and wish that this lamb has learned her lesson. I have and I will be 10000 x more careful now.

Why I have always wanted to get a taste of the forbidden fruit.......makes no sense to me now.

And how my heart always aches when I see another loving couple....shall cease from happening now.

Sure it feels nice to kiss and be held but what comes after is too big of an ordeal for me to handle that I don't need to think twice to know what the answer will be....... a loud and resonating NO!!!