Shattered expectations

Dearest Yamapi,


I still stand on my ever-lasting wish of having someone to hold and cherish, to love and to cuddle with on rainy or lazy evenings after work.

But I have never in my life done something as stupid as I did a few hours ago.

I almost lost my v-card. And it was to a guy who I barely know. The ordeal was so far from the fantasized scenes I've played countless times over my head that I am now solemnly swearing that I will not look at another guy with the intention of sleeping him any time soon.

I would just be friends with them and hang out or flirt but never get too close or on a date unless I really, really like the person. But even so I am still haunted by the memory of what happened earlier that I wish a vampire could glamour me now and take that memory away from me.

The disturbingly clear memory of me being too conscious in the process and the things that my acute senses picked up and had ingrained in my memory....... It was not a good memory but it wasn't a horrible memory. I could have been date raped but I wasn't so I am thankful for that. Thankful that God loves me and wish that this lamb has learned her lesson. I have and I will be 10000 x more careful now.

Why I have always wanted to get a taste of the forbidden fruit.......makes no sense to me now.

And how my heart always aches when I see another loving couple....shall cease from happening now.

Sure it feels nice to kiss and be held but what comes after is too big of an ordeal for me to handle that I don't need to think twice to know what the answer will be....... a loud and resonating NO!!!