Friday, September 27, 2013

I finally cried.....

I don't know what happened to me.

Crying used to be second nature to me. But now, I can't even cry when I feel hurt. (I need to listen to "Set Fire To the Rain by Adele to actually tap into how I am feeling deep inside --- betrayed, hurt and ego shattered)

Being sexually used by a man to please himself was not a good experience at all.
It finally dawned on me what the reality of the situation is.

I was used by him.

Just like a toy.

To fulfill his pleasure but not mine.

Why did I ever allow myself to be subjected to something like this, I could not explain fully.
But what I do know is that my innocent perception of how great and beautiful love can be has clouded my judgement and blinded by senses to how dangerous the pursuit of love can be.

The danger I've put myself in by being innocent, gullible and unsupervised in the pursuit of love. In the pursuit of something so noble, so beautiful and can be one of the most powerful weapon one can ever have. The love one possess for another human being. A love that I am ready to offer.

Too ready to offer that I fall victim to people out there who do not cherish or value the beauty of love.
But instead stain it with lust, alcohol, drugs and trickery to get by and label it as 'love'. I will not condemn to such behaviours anymore. I shall cry to my heart's fill today and wipe my tears away and paste a smile on to face the day.

I will not let people see this stupid, flawed love-starved heart of mine. I guess I was still trying to proof a point, in that I am desired by men. Of course I am. But the question now is if I want to be or not. And the answer is no. I do not want to have anything to do with them anymore.
I will not let men who mistreat love to mistreat me. I will only give my heart to someone who would move mountains for me. I will move my heart from my sleeve back into my chest. It may be a painful procedure and may take time but it will be for the best.

I think the emotional hurt I've experienced a few years back has frozen by heart on my sleeve as I was still constantly offering it to people who might be able to thaw it. Now, I know my heart is alive and beating again and I shall move it safely back to where it belongs and where it will be safe from harm.


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Thursday, September 26, 2013

Shattered expectations

Dearest Yamapi,


I still stand on my ever-lasting wish of having someone to hold and cherish, to love and to cuddle with on rainy or lazy evenings after work.

But I have never in my life done something as stupid as I did a few hours ago.

I almost lost my v-card. And it was to a guy who I barely know. The ordeal was so far from the fantasized scenes I've played countless times over my head that I am now solemnly swearing that I will not look at another guy with the intention of sleeping him any time soon.

I would just be friends with them and hang out or flirt but never get too close or on a date unless I really, really like the person. But even so I am still haunted by the memory of what happened earlier that I wish a vampire could glamour me now and take that memory away from me.

The disturbingly clear memory of me being too conscious in the process and the things that my acute senses picked up and had ingrained in my memory....... It was not a good memory but it wasn't a horrible memory. I could have been date raped but I wasn't so I am thankful for that. Thankful that God loves me and wish that this lamb has learned her lesson. I have and I will be 10000 x more careful now.

Why I have always wanted to get a taste of the forbidden fruit.......makes no sense to me now.

And how my heart always aches when I see another loving couple....shall cease from happening now.

Sure it feels nice to kiss and be held but what comes after is too big of an ordeal for me to handle that I don't need to think twice to know what the answer will be....... a loud and resonating NO!!!


Monday, March 25, 2013

One of a kind

Dearest Yamapi,

Mood: Blue 


I'm feeling blue and depressed. The friends I have now are not the same anymore. And I have too many friends who are not of the same race or culture as me. So when I hang out with them and people from their  culture I can't help but feel left out and lonely. I, myself, is not a racist person and I am very open-minded but I can't stand it anymore. Being left out from their jokes and ignored when I asked for an explanation. I had to constantly put on a fake smiling face and reply "yes. It was fun" to every question asked of me while dying inside...I can't take it anymore. I need more friends from my own culture and race. 

I need to be more Bruneian Chinese. 

But as far as I know, I am the ONLY Bruneian Chinese girl in Montreal.................... 
Being one of a kind, is a lonely fate.





Thursday, January 17, 2013

Standing up for myself

Dearest Yamapi,

Something happened today that kept going through my mind. It's not that I am trying to rationalize my actions or to find reasons to justify my behaviour towards that lady today. It's just me trying to comprehend why I acted the way I did today. What was the reason for me to show an attitude for such a minor mishap. I was trying to understand from the point of view of a psychologist and my own sake, why I did what I did.

So what happened was that after an 6 hour Biology lab today. Shivani (my friend and now lab partner) and I decided to go have a slice of cake. (Actually it was me who suggested the idea because I have been craving cakes and chocolates for a while).

So we stopped by Broadway Cheesecake on the way back to our apartment (yes we live in the same building too!! haha!) and got to the task of deciding which yummy CAKe to get! The waitress behind the cake display counter amiably introduced each cake to us much like a sales lady promoting a bunch of fluffy bunnies......I WANT ALL OF THEM!!

So I've decided to get the chocolate cake because I can't stand the feeling of having too much cheese in my mouth. And Shivani decided to get a creme brulee. She paid and then sat down to wait for my turn to pay. I was standing rather absent-mindedly by the counter, staring at the TV screen. Then I saw the amount on the cash register and proceeded to handing over the $7 dollars in my hands to the lady.

Then, when I looked more closely at the amount displayed, I realized that she forgot to enter the 10% discount that every McGill student can get when eating at their store. So I asked, ohh  wait, isn't the total supposed to be $6.20 instead of $6.89? I'm a McGill student too, I added.
The lady apologized and proceeded to changing the order but wasn't successful so she asked her colleague how to change the order. They fumbled around, pressing different LCD touch screen orders on their cash register computer but couldn't rectify the problem. I suggested for them to maybe cancel the order and re-try it again. They said, no they can't do that. And the second lady said "Oh well, we can't change the price, maybe next time?"

Then, something happened inside me. I said "No. I won't buy this cake if there's no discount", and I placed the cake back on the counter. The second lady repeated my statement skeptically with emphasis on the 10% DISCOUNT?, accompanied with a noticeable enlarging of her eye and a raise in her left eyebrow to boot."No." I repeated firmly and stared back at her. "I won't get the cake if you can't give me the discount. I come here because I can get a discount. If not then I won't buy the cake."

Then they started taking the issue seriously and after some more harder pokes on the touchscreen accompanied by some swearing, they finally managed to convince the computer to accept the 10% discount and allowed me to pay the correct amount.

I took the cake and sat down close to the cash register. My friend was shocked at witnessing what happened. She said she never saw this side of me and was questioning her judgement of character...again. The side of me who had so much 'attitude'.
Honestly speaking, after hearing that, I started feeling slightly guilty and ashamed. I started thinking and pondering in my head, the many reasons of why I behaved the way I did.

And I finally realized after  4 hours of thinking...... that it wasn't just because of the money that I was really picky about, it was because they refused to correct their own mistake and as a result would put me at a disadvantage position (had to pay more than I had to) that made me angry and thus, acted the way I did. I demanded with my stubborn defiance and determination to be treated equally and justly. I refuse to be pacified by their skepticism and rose to defend my rights. I stood up for myself and there is no crime in that. Someone who had made a mistake should correct it and not leave it uncorrected and affect other people at their expense. To that reason, I would show no limit of amount of 'attitude', if it meant keeping my rights to being treated equally in this world.

And that is what I've learned from my mother--- the strongest and most noble mother anyone can have.

Friday, December 7, 2012

Shopping SPREE~~~

Dearest Yamapi,

I swear SHOPPING is the cure to everything!!! muahahahhahah!!

These are all my spoils!

Socks to keep my feet warm and Baby Lips to keep my lips happy!

I fell in love the moment I saw this !!!! Had to get it! =D

BABY Lips close up!!! PUCKER UP!!!




Thursday, November 1, 2012

Memories and affect

Dearest Yamapi,

As people age, they grow wiser and learn from mistakes and to not commit the same mistakes again. But sometimes I find habits hard to break. Procrastination for one sticks to me as steadfast as if its somehow coded in my genes to predispose me to act in such a way. An act to willingly waste time and hinder one's path to success...seriously why do people do that? They say its because we do not find the task at hand valuable enough..but why can't we argue that one is sick or bored of doing one such task for long stretches of time and the soul or mind crave to dive in to a whole new dimension to stimulate its spark of interest once again. Rather like the firing of action potentials and neurotransmitters being fired and received at the synapses.

Every time I hear that song,
I will think of you.
How the words fit perfectly,
The feelings I have for you right at that moment,
I played the song because I like it,
Didn't expect that you would start singing along to it
Right at the place where it matters
In a way I hoped that you might have gotten the message
Maybe you did and chose to ignore it
Because of you I have developed an inferior complex
I've caged my heart
I can't feel or love anymore
I feel old and used
Though my age might not show......


But I guess maybe my attitude did?
The traditional way of getting guys don't work anymore
Nowadays guys prefer it if you indicate interest the moment your eyes clapped on his sexy body....
Or charming eyes, funny jokes, gentlemen ways ...but ultimately its the sexy body that attracts you most right? Don't try to deny it!
Sometimes my mind just checks out a guy......automatically and gives me a verdict...
                                 "Sexy hair" "Cute smile" "Gorgeous eyes" "A.B.S!!!"

And my conscious mind would think what the hell am i thinking about? Sometimes i wanna kill myself because i would try to imagine how a guy i see randomly on campus would look like shirtless.......haizzzz
(I actually did that to one of my profs.....mind you he is quite young and once he was wearing a shirt that is quite revealing and my naughty brain section went gaga...............)
I'm going NUTS!!! I hope I could get out of this phase or at least stop fantasizing alone.....>.<

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

My dream.....


29 May 2012, edited on 11 Sept 2012

I went to sleep after drinking some mango-flavoured malt mixed with orange juice. Before falling asleep however my phone buzzed and there's a facebook message from one of my best friend in Uk, Amal Mar. I guess that must be the reason to this crazy adventure that I am going to embark on when my head hit the pillow.

I dreamt of meeting someone by the name of Amal Mar. I was sneaking down to my kitchen in my house back in Brunei and I opened the cover of the Tudung Saji (food cover) and found some very cute “kawaii!!” snacks under it. They seem to have been left behind by a cousin of mine who visited us recently. I grabbed some of them and went out of my house to meet a friend. When I reached her place, I shared some of my treats with her. Amal, however, couldn't accept the sweets. She explained to me that the reason for her refusal was that the treats were somehow 'stolen', and not mine to give. Coming from a strict family, she was taught to act like a proper lady and has this odd peculiarity in that she doesn't like it when I call out her name in public. Her reason being that people do not like hearing her name. Although she has the exact same petite stature and strict nature that my friend has, this Amal that I met in my dreams somehow is not the real her, but a different person.

Despite this set-back, we started out our marvelous journey by touring around Kuala Belait town and end up at my old school (CHMS). Upon our arrival, the first person I saw was Teacher Minu, who was my physics teacher in junior high. She was marking some test papers while busy watching something on the computer instead that looks very much like news on politics. The next person I met was Teacher Leong. Oddly, she wasn't as enthusiactic at seeing me as usual, after observing her for a while and asking how she is doing. We learned that she is having a weird sensation in her fingers and hands, much akin to the feeling of numbness. Upon hearing her problem, I immediately thought of the physiological possibilities as to why that is happening. I hypothesized that she might be having some problems in the somatosensory areas of her brain or S1as they call it. My hypothesis turned out to be true and was confirmed when we started seeing blood running out of her eyes. Much to the horror and dismay to the onlooking crowd which prompted someone from the crowd to immediately call the ambulance. Amongst the chaos, we walked away and.............

We ended up in a museum with storeys of collections. The place resembles an over-stretched tent that stretches several storeys high and the interior looks bright, flashy and extravagant. Bold yellow and red was splashed onto every visible wall and decoration. The bright lights, noisy chatter from other people all around and carnival music playing in the background add to the happy and festive atmosphere of the place. Dominated by yellow wallpapers and red spiral stairs in the centre that seem to narrow down as you move from top to bottom so that one would only have to slide down to the first floor. I remember so because in the dream I was wearing this short, blue, pleated skirt that is very useful in fulfilling its job as being sexy and cute and somehow never exposing what I didn't want it to. In this seemingly carnival-like museum, we worked out way up the different storeys but lingered for a while on the floor displaying African american artworks or Indians they call it, from North America. Relics and busts with weird inscriptions on it. After seeing a multitude of fierce Native American statues, I turned away from the glass cabinets and walked towards the stairs. Right there, a few floors below us, stood a geisha who is starting her performance. She looks so exquisite and so in place, just like a live doll on exhibition. We made eye contact. Her eyes were black and beady and she had purple tear drop patterns below her eyes that spread out like rays from the sun on a drawing. I started walking down the stairs. People gathered around the stairs, my friend and I rushed down the stairs to feast our eyes upon the performance. We ended up somehow, on the last floor past the floor that the geisha was performing, not where we wanted but decided to exit the building.

Next we ran into a run-down karaoke bar. Blue-stained light flooded the area. An eerie light bulb flickered once in a while in the background. Somewhere beyond the corridoor that we are walking in, we see only blackness. Grey and white posters that looked like newspaper clippings decorated the walls. From the surrounding rooms, we can see some red lights and flashing television as people were singing. A few people singing in unison to some tacky love song. Mar turned to me and suggested that we get a room to sing too. I looked at her strangely as if to hint that this place is as scary as horror movie scene waiting for the horror to start and insisted that we get the hell out of here fast. She pouted her lips and grabbed my arm and opened the next closest door that we find. Instead of opening into a square room with plushy cushions surrounding the wall and a big screen TV in the middle with two microphones standing guard on the table below it, we went through a wrong door and ended up at the back of the shop. Just when I was about to let out a sigh of relief, we turned and saw a guy standing there staring at the pair of us, as if to say: “Ladies, I guess you got yourself in the wrong place at the wrong time.” With mop in one hand and spiky hair, the “Rock Star” janitor cocked his head to one side and sneered his golden teeth at us. We smiled sheepishly and walked pass him to the other door and exited the building - much to Mar's dismay and my jubilance.

We kept walking and stumbled upon an outdoor collection of street shops with vendors selling little handicrafts, such as necklaces and ear rings made of beads and such. Now, this is more like my cup of tea. We roamed around eagerly to find if there's any suitable candidate for purchase and noticed something special about this mini market : the walls are made up of an extension of one single huge stone. The vendors would set up their booths around the edge of the smooth stone floor and form a circular layout in the centre for people to browse through the market in a systematic way. The rocks are smooth and greyish-brown, they curve to form a dome-like structure that has a second storey as well leading to the road. The stairs being a part of the 'stone shop' so as to speak. We walked up the stairs and reached a highway. The sun is bright and cars were zooming past us. We can see from the horizon that we have somehow reached a place similar to that of Montreal...........

Then, the scene dramatically changed and the characters of the story was re-organised. I for one is not present anymore in the storyline but I can see what was happening as if it was a movie screening. My “friend”, however is still present. She met a guy and they went out to several different place to have fun, without the knowledge of her parents. On this particular night, my friend and her new boyfriend had a couple of drinks and totally passed out on a bed at the guy's place. With them both semi-naked and her laying on top of him. But they weren't doing anything, just laying next to one another, sleeping and shifting their positions once in a while.(I assume that this effect was to show that time passed by.) When they woke up, they started talking and subsequently turned into a fight. Fuming, he turned his back on her to face the window. She screamed something in response and walked away while grabbing his blanket. The blanket somehow transformed into a transparent sheet of inflatable plastic. She stormed out of the room while clutching his blanket. Still deep in thought, he looks out of the window at the night scene with the numerous buildings and city lights as the backdrop. Suddenly, reflected on the wall of the opposite building, he sees the shadow of a person holding a transparent sheet around his/her body, who, in an instant, transformed into a great creature with wings. With his heart hammering against his chest and his head still confused at what he saw, he picked up the heavy “swoosh, swoosh” of wings. Glancing up and turning his head to catch a better glimpse of the creature, he saw from above his head and over, flew a swan into the dark of the night.
~~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I was then woken up by some noise coming from the bathroom. Slightly annoyed and surprised, I got out of bed to check and saw that the commotion was caused by my roommate who has just returned. I rubbed my eyes and sat down at the computer to write down this amazing adventure of mine before it slips out of my memory. Satisfied , I then went back to bed, hoping that I will encounter yet another crazy and wild adventure in my head. I guess I might have to few more sips of that mango malt concussion again.........


PS: DEAR MAR, if you read this....pls dont feel grossed out!!! I have no idea why I dreamt of you. But it only meant that I MISS YOU TOO MUCH!!!! hahahahah!! 

Friday, August 24, 2012

Objectifying Women

Dearest Yamapi,

It is understandable for men to do it. But I don't understand why some women do it too. And so willingly at that. As if they accept being objectified by men and it makes them feel good that men approve of them and are attracted to them in that way. It just gets me on my nerve. You must be wondering where the hell did this come from?
Well, I'll give you a few examples.

1. Wild One by Flo rida feat Sia
If you listen to the song, you will catch phrases like "Saddle me up and let's begin", "Tame me...."  sang by the girl and a bunch of scantily clad women surrounding the guy as if they are worshipping him and wishing that he would "saddle them up". It's disturbing. Degrading in a way. I don't understand how someone could come up with this idea. I get that they are trying to fit the title with the taming thing but is making women into animals to be tamed a new pick-up line for men nowadays? What's worse its the women's line who sang that, as if she is inviting the guy to degrade her into a mere animal that he could "saddle up" and "tame". For those who didn't get what it meant...I could spell it out for you word by word, but I don't think that would make my blog safe for children to browse through........so I will leave that to your imagination.

2. High Heels
The other day I was reading the news and I came across a report on thousands of red sole shoes being recalled from retail shops because they were fakes made by China and were intended to be sold as originals and at that to make a lot of money. For those who didn't know the significance of red sole shoes, they are the trademark line of high fashion shoes designed by Christian.L.



Notice that they ALL have red soles!!  VERY INNOVATIVE AND GORGEOUS!!!!! But TOO high!!


No surprise there. China has made itself notorious for doing underhand things. =.=

I remembered seeing some red sole shoes on sale at La Baie and so I clicked on the link that lead me to the page on Christian.L and his latest designs of designing heels that seems to me to be trying to allow the wearer to reach the heavens from the "height" of it.
  
See What I Mean? Who WEARS that AND CAN STILL WALK PROPERLY? SERIOUSLY!

I don't know about you but I think this is going over board. Sure!! Heels do make gurls look sexy and in shape but can you imagine the pain that we have to go through wearing those beasts? And the years of pain one has to go through while "training" to wear heels? YES I've said TRAINING to wear them. Coz no one can wear these properly the first few times. One must wear them periodically to make oneself accustomed to the discomfort and several runs to perfect the walk that look more like someone shot u in the ankle and you were walking around town in a gait that resembles a zombie the first few times.
So WHO the HELL inventing these things ANYway? SURE now we have perfected the look of heels which made women vulnerable to their beauty and what it can potential do to the shape of your ass. But WHO came up with this idea of torturing women and tricking them into believing that it made them look good and is a necessity for one to be considered a REAL WOMAN? (In addition to other things such as carrying tissue and mirror with you where ever you go, or incredible skills in applying make-up, etc) Its one of those things that a girl has to be able to do before she graduates and can become a woman/lady, much similar to men learning how to shave. But this in no way signifies that one is a real man who thinks and act like one. But we can get into that in another blog...NOW we are TALKING about HEELS......just one letter to HELL!!

Stay tuned for the next update!!!! <3 p="p">