Shock senseless

I've learned in Social Psychology today that mood is a feeling that you can't put a finger on, its rather general and you can either be in a good mood or a bad mood (or as usual people would say that they are in a crappy mood. period.[i don't know why I'm using this word and what the hell it means but it just seem to fit here.])

My mood now: ..........................

I'm numb or rather too tired to feel. I don't know why I am so tired. My roomie is feeling the same too! And she has this freaking political science midterm tomoro. Well, I have this dancing thing i have to attend to, me being the choreographer and the teacher. =.= I hope the dance will turn out well. It looks pretty terrible when Cher and I were trying it out and recording it on my mac. emmmm....ooohhhhh well.........

But contrary to the blank mood that I am in, I feel rather..emmm how to say it....I feel like writing ...like a lot of writing. I miss writing. I use write to express how I feel sometimes.

I feel sad. Because one of my most favourite singer/idol is getting married. He's so young!!! But I guess he is being responsible because he knocked up his girlfriend. I'm not sad that I can't get the chance to know him or meet him (this is a very stupid notion and most people would perceive my sadness to be the result of this). But rather, I didn't want him to marry someone just cause. He might end up having a bad marriage, then divorce, then alcohol, and drugs and engaging in various self-handicapping acts. This is like a typical show biz person's life.

I can still remember the time when he first got my eye when he was singing 'NEver AGain'. At that time, he was just a skinny lad in his late adolescent years. Now, he's grown to be a man. It's kinda scary.

And that brings it back in full circle to me.

I am no longer 16, I am turning 21 this year.

I too should have advanced in my life. But I feel that I haven't advanced in anyway at all in this department. Sure, my body has grown into what it should look like. My face stopped giving me pimple problems, other than the occasional blemishes. My face looks just fine. I have longer and recently permed hair, so as to boost my attractiveness. But somehow its not working. Maybe I should be more socialable and actually talk to a guy. But somehow I don't have time to do that and I feel a considerable distance to the guys around campus (cultural gap i presume).

People would perceive as a stuck-up asian bitch.

But the truth is I'm just really bad at conversations. I can easily talk to girls. But not guys...I get so shy and say STUPID things....FUCK this shit man.

My mom is always telling me not to go brandishing my loneliness to the world. But hey I AM LONELY, no one understands me here the way I want them to. HUman beings do indeed have a long path to social acceptance. It is said that human brains are so complex because we are cultural animals that needs social connections to survive and our brains have evolved to cope with this demand to have complex relationships with our fellow human beings.

And freaking Valentine is coming up soon....I'm gonna feel so out of place when I already feel out of place. Because EVERYWHERE on campus ON ANYDAY, you can see people snogging their FACES oFF. IT's FUCKING RETARDED and I FUCKING HATE it. EVEn my Roommate is SNOGGING A Guy (her bf) every now and then even though she KEPT telling me she need to study. BUT hey, if u need to study then stop seeing him for a while. oh well.........

LIFE SUCKS. God just HAD to make it IMPERFECT.